


Mean Bastards

by casstayinmyass



Category: The Hateful Eight (2015)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dry Humping, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Imagines, Light Petting, Preferences, Protectiveness, Secret Relationship, Smut, Teasing, Tumblr, Under-Desk Blow Jobs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-18 11:52:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16994496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: Hateful Eight imagines collection.





	1. Giving Major Warren A Lap Dance Would Include

  * After getting to the Haberdashery about a year ago, you had started to work for Minnie



 

  * You had been seeing Major Warren come in every now and again, and had a bit of a crush on him. He was a war hero, after all



 

  * Warren knows about the crush and likes to tease you about it sometimes, but doesn’t see you as more than a much younger friend



 

  * You get to the Haberdashery after a trek North, to find Minnie gone and the place in the care of a Mexican. Doesn’t seem like Minnie to you, but you suppose it wasn’t worth the trouble to question it.



 

  * That evening, you’re surprised and delighted to see Major Warren arrive with some others, and jump into his arms, hugging him with a smile



 

  * As the night goes on, you ask him what’s going on with this Domergue business. He tells you: “I’m sure I don’t know, but it’s got somethin’ to do with that there woman chained to that there bounty hunter.”



 

  * You cater to everyone, since you still work there, passing out blankets and coffee. General Smithers doesn’t want to talk to you or accept anything from you because you’re “chummy” with Warren, but be seems like a stingy bastard anyway



 

  * You’re interrogated by John Ruth, and you answer honestly. Daisy scares you a little, but Warren just chuckles when you tell him that, assuring you he wouldn’t let her do anything to you



 

  * Later, as the night gets colder, everyone is sitting around with the fire going. Warren is leaning against the bar, and sits down on a stool



 

  * “I’m sure cold,” he mutters, rubbing his hands together, “Wasn’t countin’ on no blizzard. No, I wasn’t.”



 

  * You bite your lip– this could be your chance. You go up to him, and take his hand, taking his glove off. “Let me.”



 

  * “What? You’s gonna keep me warm?” he huffs, but the look in your eyes makes him swallow



 

  * You slide into his lap, and start to gyrate there, until Warren finally touches you



 

  * “Damn, baby… I should’ve done this a lot sooner,” he mutters, and kisses you rough, the both of you heating up plenty



 

  * Everyone tries not to watch, but it’s a small room 🤷



 

  * “I do declare, she’s even better than a goddamn Lincoln Letter, tall tale or not,” Chris giggles, and Oswaldo clears his throat, looking away from you two.




	2. John Ruth Being Touch Starved Would Include

  * As much as he hates to admit it, John Ruth has a soft spot for ladies



 

  * When he picks you up from the blizzard in the carriage, he can’t help but let an attractive woman in.



 

  * You get to the Haberdashery after John spends the whole time stealing glances your way



 

  * He likes you putting your hand on his arm, and follows you, sitting down next to you and getting close.



 

  * You sense that he likes it, so you take his arm again, rubbing his hand. He smiles a little, blushing, and you go so far as to lay your head on his shoulder.



 

  * “Looks like you got yourself a girlfriend, John Ruth,” Daisy teases, and John knocks her in the face, blushing even harder



 

  * Later, as the night goes on, you get even more comfortable with him. He talks to you about what he’s been doing, tells his story, and you tell him yours



 

  * You take to stroking his hair and twirling his moustache, and he loves it. He holds your hand in his as you run your fingers through his hair and hum softly



 

  * He basically acts like an oversized cat, but gets very defensive whenever anyone points it out 🐱



 

  * He has a total weakness for you, but nobody dares mention it




	3. Teasing Oswaldo Mobray Would Include

  * You had always been a very promiscuous lady, so when the Domingre Gang shows up at Minnie’s Haberdashery and points a gun at you, you bargain with them, convincing them you’re a prostitute



 

  * The British one, English Pete Hicox, seems interested, and tells the others you should be kept around



 

  * When the others get there, you stay close to Pete, or “Oswaldo” as he’s going by now



 

  * You go to get some coffee, and Chris starts to flirt with you



 

  * “You look like a pretty little lady. You headin’ to Red Rock?” You nod. “Well I’ll be double dog damned. I’m the new sheriff!”



 

  * “Excuse me,” Oswaldo would come over, “but I believe Miss (y/l/n) and I were just discussing the details of a good hanging.”



 

  * You go over to Pete, and smirk at his jealousy, sitting down on the arm of the chair. He looks so good sitting there that you just have to do something about it. “I’m cold.”



 

  * Oswaldo grins wickedly, and pats his knee. “By all means then, madam.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Get warm.”



 

  * You sit on his lap, facing the others as they go about their suspicious business, and begin to grind back against Oswaldo. His breath quickens a little, and his gloves hands fly to your waist as you sit back again.



 

  * “Stop that,” he hisses in your ear, in his regular accent.



 

  * “I’m just getting comfortable, daddy,” you pout, and adjust yourself again. By now, you can feel his boner beginning to dig into your ass through his pants, and his hands tighten.



 

  * “Oi. You. I can’t do this, not now. There’s no bedroom I can take you back an fuck you in, so stoppit.”



 

  * “What are you talking about? I ain’t doing anything.”



 

  * He groans, tugging your hair back inconspicuously and growling in your ear: “You want me to touch you like this, ‘sat it? You want to sit on my cock while I fuck you right here, in fron’ of all these blokes? I’ll–”



 

  * “What’re you two whisperin’ about?!” John Ruth calls over, and Oswaldo puts on a smile. “Oh, this charming little darling and I were simply discussing the strategy of sharing our warmth on this cold night!”



 

  * “Hm. I bet.” John Ruth snorts.



 

  * Pete grits his teeth as the others look away again. “Fine. You wanna do 'is, you little minx? We’ll do it.”



 

  * He grinds up into your ass, and you rock down into him, blankets covering you both. You rub down against his erection until you get it just right, and bite back a gasp as you come. He’s groaning in your ear, and just as he’s about to come too, you hum, getting up.



 

  * “I could use some coffee!”



 

  * He growls as he watches you saunter away, clenching the blankets



 

  * Joe Gage snickers, wandering over to Pete. “I’ll keep watch if you wanna jerk it.”



 

  * _“Fuck off Douglass!”_



 

  * Later, at the table with stew, you keep licking your lips and looking



 

  * “So. How do you two know each other?” Chris asks, and Oswaldo gives a tight smile. “We don’t, Mr. Mannix. In fact, I only met her this morning.”



 

  * “You two’re awful cozy for new acquaintances.”



 

  * “Well. She is an awfully persuasive woman,” Oswaldo chuckles, and you grin to yourself. Meanwhile, he’s hard under the table and you’re stroking your hand along his thigh.



 

  * Later, as Warren’s talking to General Smithers, Pete takes the opportunity to try and get you back on his lap



 

  * “Please,” you gasp, “I thought you were a gentleman.” By now, he’s really pissed off.



 

  * “Ah,” he grits through his teeth with his Oswaldo accent and a showy smile, “Nothing like a marvelous case of blue balls to go with this blizzard.”



 

  * The shootout happens, and when Pete gets shot, he’s miserable.



 

  * “I’m gonna die before I get off. Bloody typical.”



 

  * “Hush,” you mutter, also shot, “You can’t even… feel your dick… anymore.”



 

  * “Yeah, easy for you to say, you… ah! Rubbed yourself off on my knee!”



 

  * “Begging all y'all pardons, Mr. and Mrs. New Acquaintances, but did this all happen under this here blanket I’ve got around my shoulders?” Chris folds his arms, and you both ignore him in favour of Pete glaring as you smirk at each other.




	4. Senor Bob Having A Crush On You Would Include

  * When he sees you first, another passenger with John Ruth and Daisy, he’s captivated by you



 

  * He wants to talk to you, but always shies away when he’s about to



 

  * “What’s got into you?” Pete mutters to him when they’re both standing by the fire.



 

  * “She is just… mucho hermosa, amigo.”



 

  * “Then bloody talk to her, you’ve only got a night or two before we’ll have to kill her, make the most of it.”



 

  * “I can’t.”



 

  * Pete just gives him a ???? look and leaves



 

  * You pour some coffee, and turn. Bob is right behind you, and you jump a little.



 

  * “I am sorry, pequeña uno. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He’s super awkward, and doesn’t move. You give up trying to get by him



 

  * “Takes a lot to scare me,” you smile back, and he still doesn’t move. “Is… there something I can get you?”



 

  * “Oh.” You offer him a cup.



 

  * “Want some coffee?”



 

  * Bob places a hand over his heart, and you wonder why he’s so emotional about it. “I would love one, amiga.”



 

  * You two share coffee, and he takes you over to the piano. He tries to play Silent Night for you, but when he messes up, you join in, playing the keys he forgets. You two soon have some music going, and Chris comes over to slap his knee and sing (badly) along to some Christmas songs



 

  * When you’re done playing piano, Bob wants to tell you how he feels about you. How he’s absolutely enchanted by you. But he can’t, since he knows what your fate will be by the time the snow calms



 

  * “What’s the matter?” you ask cheerfully, finishing up What Child Is This on the piano



 

  * He sighs, looking down to your lips. “I can’t, amiga.”



 

  * “Hey,” you whisper, “Anything is possible holed up in a cabin, in a blizzard like this.” You lean over, and kiss him.



 

  * Bob kisses you back with fervor, and cups your cheeks. Maybe it’s okay, just for the night.




	5. Being Daisy Domergue’s Partner In Crime And Lover Would Include

  * You’re part of the Domingre gang, and Daisy’s lover. You two were a Bonnie and Clyde type before joining with her brother and forming this gang



 

  * All of you show up at Minnie’s Haberdashery that morning of the blizzard, and per your idea to get Daisy back in your arms, prepare for John Ruth to come through later



 

  * You want to be the one to put a bullet in The Hangman’s skull, for all the hell he gave your Daisy



 

  * When Daisy comes in through the door with John that evening, she has to fight not to react when she sees you… but you see her smile a little bit.



 

  * You’re a little more impulsive, and almost jump up to kiss her and tell her it’s going to be alright. Pete shoots you a look, and shakes his head. You realize in order to get her free, you have to play your roles



 

  * “Anybody here committed to stoppin’ me from taking this bitch into Red Rock to hang?”



 

  * You swallow, and shrug. “Not me.” You look at her though, and shoot her a little kiss.



 

  * Later, Grouch can see how desperate you are to save her and kill John Ruth, and comes over to temper you.



 

  * “I know she’s right there, sweetie. She’s right in the palm of our hands, don’t you worry. We’ll get her back.”



 

  * Warren suspects you from the onset, since you’re not so good at hiding your affection for Daisy. Nobody believes him though, since you’re a woman.



 

  * You’re the one who poisons the coffee, and when John Ruth spews blood, you could cheer. Of course, Chris and Warren are still around, so the charade must be kept up



 

  * Later, after Marco is killed, you’re up against the wall, and Warren’s got his gun pressed into your back, he says: “If Daisy doesn’t fess up right the fuck now and tell me just who here she’s bangin’, Miss (y/l/n) is getting a bullet.”



 

  * As he cocks the gun and you close your eyes, Daisy screams not to kill you. Warren lets you turn slowly, and he lets you two reunite for a moment



 

  * You kiss Daisy over and over, arms around her neck, and she clutches your hair. You’re the only person she can be vulnerable around



 

  * “Don’t you touch her no more,” you growl at Warren, and he raises his eyebrows.



 

  * “I don’t think you’re in the position to be giving orders, bitch.”



 

  * “You call my girlfriend bitch one more time, I’ll choke you with these cuffs,” Daisy snaps.



 

  * “Calm down and do as he says,” Pete tries to hiss, but you ignore the Englishman, clutching Daisy’s hand. He sighs, giving up, but Grouch smiles a little at seeing you two together again.



 

  * “Alright, little missies. You get one more kiss goodbye,” Warren says, aiming the gun at your head. You look at Daisy sadly, who begins to panic.



 

  * “No! You won’t do it, I know you won’t!”



 

  * He cocks the gun. Just as your lips meet with Daisy’s, you hear a loud gunshot, and turn to see Pete with a pistol out. He shrugs at you and Grouch. “Someone had to bloody do it.”



 

  * Chris is still alive though, and this triggers the shootout. You and Daisy are the only ones not hit, and since Warren isn’t alive, Chris makes the deal with you and Daisy to spare you and ride into Red Rock with you once the blizzard clears



 

  * You and Daisy escape to Mexico together, Sheriff Chris Mannix $50k richer




	6. Sex With Joe Gage Would Include

  * Joe Gage is a strong, silent type, so he’d want to make you feel protected in bed



 

  * He’d call you lots of pet names, like “angel”, “sweetheart”, “darling”, “princess” in that deep, growling voice of his



 

  * Despite his love of dirty talk (and his orgasmic deep voice telling you just what he’s gonna do to you) he’s not loud in bed, and he’s fairly quiet, but the sounds he does make are arousing as hell



 

  * He curses a lot in bed when he does dirty talk, and you swear you could come just from him murmuring “fuck, baby.”



 

  * His favorite position is you riding him,  ~~because he’s a cowboy~~  because he loves watching you bounce on top of him, taking what you need from him



 

  * He loves it when you tug on his hair during sex. His hair is long and luscious and meant to be tugged



 

  * He says he likes semi public sex when others are around, just to be edgy and a badass yknow, but he secretly gets really blushy and actually prefers just having you all to himself alone



 

  * Despite his appearance, he would be extremely soft and gentle with you, stroking your face and encouraging you to take your time. If you beg him enough though, he’d fuck you so rough you couldn’t walk the next day



 

  * Yes, he likes cuddling. No, he doesn’t like to talk about it.



 


	7. Giving Joe Gage Oral Under The Table Would Include

  * You’re at Minnie’s Haberdashery the morning the Domingre Gang comes in



 

  * The only other person there they left alive was that old man Smithers. They found you, and just as Joe/Grouch is about to shoot you in the head, he reconsiders.



 

  * “Can’t we use her?”



 

  * “There’ll be plenty of whores in Red Rock, mate, can we stay on track?” Pete rolls his eyes, and Joe huffs.



 

  * “I didn’t mean like that. We should keep her around for… authenticity.”



 

  * “Si, that is what I am saying, exactamente!” Bob calls over, and Jody narrows his eyes.



 

  * “If you think it’ll make things more convincing, do what you want. She can be your girl, Grouch.”



 

  * You smirk. On your way to Red Rock to outrun the sherrif of the last town you were in, you’re no stranger to gangs and cold blooded killers. Besides, the guy you ended up “with” for this whole charade isn’t bad looking.



 

  * You don’t know quite what’s happening as everyone gets things together for this evening when someone’s sister is supposed to show up, but you’re gonna have fun regardless



 

  * You pose as Sugar Charlotte Gage, a name Joe thinks suits you. You introduce yourself to John Ruth as Joe Gage’s wife.



 

  * “Wife, huh? Didn’t know cow punchers liked to settle down. You enjoy life on the plains, little lady?”



 

  * “With him? Hell yeah.” You wink at Joe, putting your hand over his on the table, and he can’t help but fall deeper into his character as he takes a glance at you, licking his lips



 

  * “I see you staring,” you whisper to him.



 

  * “I was watching you to make sure you’re going along with this.”



 

  * “You wanna fuck me.”



 

  * “…Any man’d be stupid not to wanna.”



 

  * The night gets late, and as everyone’s conversing and sharing coffee, you decide to have some fun



 

  * You get under the table, and fit yourself between Joe’s legs. He looks down at you with a raised eyebrow.



 

  * “This wasn’t part of the plan.”



 

  * “I’m rewriting the plan,” you smirk, and unbuckle the cowboy’s pants. He ducks his head a little, chuckling and shaking his head. His face goes a little red as you touch him, then he leans back to enjoy the ride



 

  * You suck him down, swallowing around him and swirling your tongue. After you carry on like this, he eventually threads his fingers in your hair, beginning to push your head in a back and forth motion, thrusting into your mouth and fucking it



 

  * You moan softly around it, and his amused little smile stays, until he growls that he needs you to finish him off



 

  * You suck harder, just as John Ruth comes over to ask Joe who he is.



 

  * “Joe Gage. That’s my name.” You hollow your cheeks. “I’m writing my life story, and going home to visit my mother for Christm—mmm…”



 

  * “You alright, Joe Gage?” John Ruth would ask.



 

  * “Oh, fine. Was just thinkin’ bout mother's home baked ginger cookies.  _Oh, hell_ …”



 

  * You both hear Oswaldo/Pete stifle a laugh from his chair, as he’s been watching this transpire under the table for the past fifteen minutes



 

  * Finally, Joe really picks up his pace and fucks your mouth, and you have to fight not to moan or cry out.



 

  * He comes down your throat, groaning your name softly, his dark hair falling into his eyes. You glance up at him, batting your eyelashes, and tuck him back up.



 

  * “Where’s your girl, Joe Gage?” John Ruth asks suspiciously.



 

  * “I believe you’ll find Miss Gage is regrettably indisposed at this moment,” Oswaldo/Pete says, and you resurface.



 

  * Joe/Grouch is enamored by you, and starts to get attached to you. That’s his weakness– he gets emotional and forms attachments, and at this point, he’s falling for you.



 

  * “Taste good?” Warren asks, huffing. Nobody in the room really beats around the bush– it’s a  _small_  room.



 

  * “Nothing better,” you grin, taking out a leftover peppermint stick and sucking on it.



 

  * Joe/Grouch tries not to get another hard on from this, and tries to focus on the rest of the plan.



 

  * **Bonus** : later, when they have you and the other gang members lined up against the wall and Chris calls Joe/Grouch ugly, you almost get shot back talking that.




	8. Sex With Chris Mannix Would Include

  * Chris would be shy at first when you two finally take your friendly relationship to the next level 



 

  * In Red Rock, you’d visit the Sheriff’s office late in the evening, knowing he’d still be there working (he may be a bit clueless at his job, but he makes up for it with hard work and dedication) 



 

  * He’d be surprised to see you, especially since he never expected to have a good talk with you since the night spent in the Haberdashery 



 

  * “Miss (y/l/n),” he’d immediately get up and take your coat, hanging it up for you, “Didn’t think I’d be speaking to you again after…” 



 

  * You’d silence him with a kiss, and then he’d be really surprised. “Y-y’know… I know I gave you all those blankets back at that Haberdashery, but I don’t expect no repayment–” He would falter as you give him bedroom eyes, and gulp. 



 

  * Back at his place, he would want to take things slow. He fell in love with you back in the blizzard, and now that you’re out of that danger, he really wants to take the time to worship you



 

  * Of course, when you take off your clothes, that mindset is quickly forgotten 



 

  * “I’ll be double dog damned,” he mutters, wide eyes taking in all of you. You have to put his hand on your body to remind him how to move, but once he’s snapped out of it, he takes control. 



 

  * He flips you over so that he’s on top, and whispers in your ear at the beginning about how much he wants you 



 

  * In bed, Chris is very vocal. He’ll ramble, shout, holler, shriek, and groan, and it makes you so wet hearing how into it he is (it does make you want to laugh though, hearing ‘well cut my legs off and call me shorty, you’re good at this!’ during sex)



 

  * His favorite position is missionary, because he likes to watch you, look into your eyes, and cover your body with his, feeling like he still has to protect you 



 

  * He can get super dirty though, like sometimes, since you two started this next-level of the relationship, he’ll pull you into his office and when everyone’s gone, he’ll fuck you against a wall, whispering in your ear about what a good little girl you’re being for him 



 

  * “Such a sweet lil thing… did you wear that dress just for me today, darlin’? Looks pretty as all hell, but mighty uncomfy… let me help you out of it…” 



 

  * Afterward if you’re at home, he loves to cuddle. Cuddling is a BIG thing with Chris. He’ll pull you tight to him, loving to spoon you from behind, and bury his face into your hair



 

  * He doesn’t like to admit it, but he was lonely before you, so it’s nice for him to finally have someone there with him in bed, to return the ‘I love you’




	9. Chris Mannix Being Protective Of You Would Include

  * You’re out travelling to Red Rock by foot to take care of your uncle’s burial. The blizzard hits halfway through your journey



 

  * You’d first meet Chris during the blizzard, where he’d see you making your way along with a big blanket draped over you. He’d think of shooting you for it, then when he gets closer, he’d see you’re a lady and immediately feel bad



 

  * “‘Scuse me lil miss, but what the HELL are you doin’ out here!?”



 

  * He gives you HIS blanket so now you have two, ignoring the fact that he can’t feel his shoulders anymore.



 

  * The carriage comes along, and John Ruth is reluctant to let you both in. Chris uses the Sheriff argument to get in, but when that doesn’t work: “so you really gon’ let a  _bonafide_ lady freeze her knickers– scuse me miss–  _pantaloons_  off out here!?”



 

  * John Ruth lets you on, and Chris just stands there, shivering.



 

  * “Uh… it… it might be nice if, uh… if I could get on too.”



 

  * You can’t help but feel a little bit of attraction to the man, and vouch for him. Even though John Ruth doesn’t know either of you, he gives in, and lets Chris on



 

  * Once you two get to the Haberdashery, Chris feels the need to protect you



 

  * “I’m sheriff of Red Rock, no matter what these naysayers run their mouths off about. That makes me obligated to protect you.”



 

  * You assure him you can protect yourself like you’ve been doing well before now, but he insists that it “ain’t proper for no lady” to be around all these other men in a small room at night



 

  * He gets you set up by the fire, and piles blanket upon blanket over top of you until you can barely see.



 

  * Major Warren laughs about it. “Whatchu tryna do, hillbilly, suffocate the bitch?”



 

  * “No!” Chris would snap, “I’m just steppin’ up and bein’ a gentleman, cause none of y'all fuckers was lookin’ to!” He’d clear his throat, blushing. “Anddon’t… call her bitch.”



 

  * Throughout the night, you would keep to yourself, as you really had no idea what was going on with Daisy or the whole plot to break her free. Chris would keep refilling your coffee and piling you with fresh blankets, even stealing Joe Gage’s from the bed.



 

  * “Hey!”



 

  * “I am takin’ this blanket for this here lady (y/n), and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it you ugly ass cow puncher!”



 

  * Chris only trembles a  _little_  when Joe glares him half to death



 

  * As the night drags on, Chris takes it upon himself to watch over you personally. He sits next to you and regales you with stories of his rebel runs



 

  * You tell him you’re uncomfortable with the hate the south shows toward people of colour, so he completely switches gears.



 

  * “Oh, I didn’t mean to offend you none, darlin’! Settle your pretty little self in, I’ll tell you somethin’ else then. Well… I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about a renegade stealin’ his daddy’s own horse, but _hooowee_ , you’re about to hear it!”



 

  * The night gets bloodier, and you’re the one to smack the coffee out of Chris’ hand as soon as you see John Ruth and O.B. spit blood. He turns to you in awe.



 

  * “(y/n)… that’s the second time you’ve saved my life tonight. I think I love you.” He leans in, lips puckered for a kiss, which you politely move out of.



 

  * “Not the time, Chris. Ahem,  _Sherrif_  Mannix.”



 

  * He takes the hint, and enters sheriff mode, not without looking at you any chance he gets with a big dumb grin on his face.



 

  * The rest of the night progresses, and as Warren unravels the mystery, Chris stays by your side and pulls a gun on anyone who approaches you.



 

  * “You touch her, you’ll have to blow me away first, Ozzie.”



 

  * Oswaldo just blinks. “I was going to get a blanket, my good man.”



 

  * “No siree. They’re aaaall taken,” Chris tells him proudly, gesturing to where he’s once again wrapped you in five rugs.



 

  * In the shooting match, you get hit by Joe Gage and so does Chris. You, Chris, and Warren are the last ones alive.



 

  * “Just my luck. I get to die beside Romeo and Juliet,” Warren mutters, then dies of his wounds soon after.



 

  * You and Chris are the last ones there, and he coughs as he slides toward you. You keep your head on his shoulder as you two sit back against the bed together.



 

  * “This is one hell of a first date,” he manages to joke, and you manage a smile, leaning over to finally kiss him.




	10. Chris Mannix and Oswaldo Mobray Fighting Over You Would Include

  * You take a shine to both the soon-to-be sheriff and the “hangman”. They both do too


  * Both being incredibly different people, they try to flirt with you incredibly different ways


  * Chris offers you a bunch of blankets. Oswaldo sees this, and offers to pour you a cup of coffee instead


  * “Coffee won’t do her no good if she ain’t wearin’ practically nothing!” Chris would say indignantly.


  * “Well a blanket won’t do her any good either if she’s shivering from the inside out, poor girl!”


  * Chris hates Joe Gage a lot, but from that moment on, he hates Oswaldo Mobray a little bit more.


  * You go over to talk to Oswaldo as the night goes on. As he prepares to regale you with a speech about the passion of a just hanging, Chris walks by, “casually” mentioning: “You know, I used to be a rebel renegade. My daddy’s best.”


  * Oswaldo growls, and his real accent slips out as he mutters, “And I’ve murdered 12 people, what of it?” You and Chris both look over at him, but he that big smile again. “Just doing my job, of course!  _Dispassionately_!” Bob just looks over at you three, shaking his head with a small chuckle


  * You and Chris talk by the fire, after he’s piled you high with blankets. Just as he’s about to tell you about his part in the war, Oswaldo calls your name. “Madam, do you know of the winters we get back where I’m from? Atrocious stories I could tell you, come sit on my lap!”


  * Chris just rolls his eyes, flapping his hands around and imitating Oswaldo. The British man clenches his fist, wishing he can break his persona to absolutely pommel that hillbilly


  * As you sit on Oswaldo’s lap though, he finds you at his mercy under the blankets, as he slips his hand under your skirts… you can’t help but undo his pants as well, while everybody’s busy with something else.


  * You can’t decide who you like better, the British man, or the southern man. They’re both attractive in their own ways, and caring, and sexy… it’s more than a little flattering that they’re fighting over you too.


  * You try to start talking to Chris again, in hopes you could also get a little action with him to see who’s better, but he’s a little clueless. Charming, but clueless.


  * Later, when Warren has everyone up against the wall, he’s not sure if you’re working with Daisy or not, since you were talking to both Chris and Oswaldo earlier. So, you sit at the table and wait, a little bit unnerved by the fact that you could have been flirting (and had sex with) a killer


  * “Now, you little British man…” Warren goes up to Oswaldo, and Chris snickers. He spins around angrily. “You want to know how little I am?! Bloody ask her!”


  * Chris turns to you, and blinks in shock. You blush hard as Oswaldo smirks at you smugly. “He’s… not that little.”


  * “Well I’ll be double dog damned! When in the HELL did you get time to see HIS cock-a-doodle-doo?!” Oswaldo just grins wider.


  * “EXCUSE ME, BUSHWACKERS!” Warren shouts. “We’re droppin’ like flies around here, this ain’t no time to be talking about who the bitch did or did not show a good time!”


  * Chris folds his arms, getting in Oswaldo’s face. “Oh yeah, fancy man?! Well I fucked this little missy out behind the Haberdashery!” The entire room looks over at him, including you, and Chris scratches his head. “That… might’ve been a dream.”




End file.
